I spent my first Christmas break without my mother with Mack and Ellie. They did their best, but we all knew it wasn't enough to keep me from depression.I literally felt lost. I was away from anyone I knew and anyone I cared about was either gone or miles away. I wondered openly if this was my penance for all the shitty things I'd done in my early teens."Son," Mack said. "I don't know what you did them years — and I don't need to know. Whatever it was, it wasn't enough to earn your last year. But you got to find something to focus on. As bad as your life is, always remember there are those worse off."I knew he was right, but I wanted to wallow in my self-pity for awhile.Ellie wasn't about to let that happen. The week before Christmas she cornered me at dinner."I want to show you some pictures," she said. "I know we hardly mention Beth — we're still pissed at her. But here are pictures of her and her friends."She handed me some snapshots of a nice looking girl standing by a red sports. But something compels meto humour him. I nod "Okay.. I can do that." Chris nods and leaves. I amcrushed by the thought that usually, when I have the flat all to myself,I masturbate... something I can't do now.I am left to think about my situation alone, which leaves me moredepressed.I pick up the folder and start going through it. Maybe there is someadvice on how to deal with the emotional side of wearing the restraint.Not sure if I should be surprised or not but there is in fact, a wholechapter dedicated to it. I start reading.An hour later I curse my existence and all the events that have lead meto this moment. The so-called help in the folder went into long drawnout philosophical bullshit. I should try to accept my horny state andhow I should incorporate it in my everyday life. How women expresssexuality much more freely than men do. I should try and learn to enjoythe prolonged state of arousal and more such bullshit. No advice, justsome self help meditate-your-way-out-trouble.
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