Our break room is kind of door city, as it has one door from the main store, which leads into a long hallway with a door on the left and right, the bathrooms, before another door at the end of the hallway with an Employees Only sign. It may sound creepy, but I had to only hear the gentle footsteps to know exactly who it was, so I grinned quickly, then did what I always did when Kate walked into a room; pretended to be asleep. I'm not sure how the whole pretend to be asleep thing got started, but it was pretty much accepted by both of us that it was just a way of life. As the door opened I faked a snore, which in turn made me choke on my own spit like a 1 year old and cough up a storm, Kate laughing in the background the entire time. I let out a mental sigh, ready for this day to be over and to just go home. My vision was blurry as I opened my eyes, and Kate was looking at me, having a hard time controlling her laughter. “Go ahead and yuck it up,” I said with faux-anger. “I could have. And yet I was expected to fill the role that he had assigned for his oldest child, the child who was supposed to be a boy. It created a whole host of problems for me - expectations that I could never meet.To be fair, I put some of it on myself, but I can never really parse out how much of it was my own creation and how much was my parents assignment of a role to me.For example, I took responsibility for my younger siblings, trying to protect them and keep them from getting in trouble. Of course, my parents held me responsible for their behavior, but I embraced that responsibility and tried to make it work.I took punishments for them when I could - when I was brave enough. I felt like a coward when I wasn't brave enough and I felt like a failure when I couldn't play the system well enough to get punished in their place.At night, sometimes I would lay in bed, listening to one of my brothers or sisters being spanked and I would cry into my pillow wishing I could be the one getting it. I.
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