God, the dog had done something unspeakable during those last few minutes she had spent with him!She crouched down immediately and plucked a handful of the dew-soaked grass that grew just outside the house, struggling against the revulsion rising in her as she scrubbed frantically at the long white streaks on her calf and ankle. She knew instinctively that the enormous champion dog had somehow managed to leave the stain of his animal lust on her human body and the thought sent strange tremors of sensation racing through her mind. To make matters worse, the bunch of wet grass did nothing more than spread the thick cream-like wetness over her soft skin more widely. With sudden tears of frustration running down her face, she tossed aside the useless grass and raced into the house, heading toward the bedroom where at last she threw herself down on the bed and shook with the half-angry, half-shameful sobs that wracked her whole body.It was all Bill's fault, she raged to herself, her nerves. I’m barely twenty one and already I’ve come to this. It’s my choice, though, every time. Understanding the cause and effect of personal responsibility is not a guarantee of happy living. I still smell like puke and that’s what decides it. I throw myself into the routine. The water hits me like rain from heaven and the shower is a moment, just an instant, where I’m concentrating more on what’s going on around me than the riotous, neurotic milkshake that keeps getting blended and reblended in my mind. I think about how in ‘Bringing Out the Dead,’ the main character washes his face in that girl’s bathroom with three different kinds of soap, ‘each one smelling like a different season,’ and I smile, because I thought I understood when I heard that. Maybe I did. I don’t know, anymore. I didn’t bother with shaving, because some days it’s just too much fucking work and I always cut myself. I step from the shower, squeaky clean and cold in the winter air, steaming like a baby just born in.
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