. is this really what you’re writing? Like, sex stuff?”I don’t want to leave her hanging here but I should explain. Of course I’m writing the next Great American Novel. Who isn’t? But honestly, a lot of times when I’m moving the pencil what comes out isn’t greatness or even novelness. We’re taught to honor the process: a writer writes; don’t block the flow even if it’s just going down the drain. So between gouts of epic prose I’ll often fill the page with lesser stuff. Like a boxer in the gym, a batter taking strokes, just keeping the machine lubed. Erm, oiled.“Well, not just that but yeah, sometimes when I’m not feeling inspired I’ll dash off something ... racy. Or mysterious, or scary. Just keeping my hand in.” I nodded at her pages. “I guess you picked up some of the racy ones?”“Oh. But I mean, the things, the people, what you write about, does all that come from like, experience?”She seemed to be struggling. I had to give her props for the guts it must have taken to approach me,. With age’s perspective, I accept I was his Asian fetish doll, replaced by another.The clothes, jewelry, perfume; his guiding and applying makeup, painting my nails, combing my hair, his sexual transforming me were his playing with his Asian doll. He loved his doll, the doll he created and played with. That was his infatuation, not me. In all honesty, he never said he loved me. Why did I think he did? Because I loved being his Asian doll.He did change me. With the putty of my poor background, low self-esteem; my naivety, he re-constructed me into his fantasy. The clothes, jewelry, makeup, Porsche, trips to San Francisco; his Stanford internship, knowledge of anatomy, sex games, charm, intelligence, attention, swayed me because I wanted to be what he created, even if I was only his sex doll. I became addicted by his transformation, over and over seeking the initial rush of crossing his threshold.I was awed by Edward’s sophistication but know now it was only his money, not him which.
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