Light make up, gloss, mascara. A light spray of Lolita and I was ready to descend downstairs. I turned the handle of the door and moved quickly into the room. It was quiet, the curtains closed, the only light the flicker of the mindless television, turned down to eliminate all sound. In the far corner on the sofa was Jason, half in shadow, a thin stream of smoke escaping his lips from his cigarette. I collected his glass and walked into the kitchen. I refresh his gin and tonic and pour myself a large one too. Experience tells me I am going to need it. I can feel him waiting. Back in the room I sit on the sofa opposite. I know better than to go to him just yet. I know what he wants to see. I will wait for the sign to begin. I lean forward and gulp deep on my gin, the fluid warming me, numbing me to the proceedings ahead? Dutch courage? Not really? I have been here many times before. Why does he excite me so much, when all I feel is “dirty”? Suddenly Jason’s tumbler goes down firm. “No plans today?” I asked.“I feel like we need to talk,” she said.“About last night?”“Yes.”I put the bar on the rests and sat up. I picked up a ten pound dumbbell and started working my right biceps.“Are you sorry it happened?” I asked.“That’s the problem,” she said. “I’m not sorry.”“Why is that a problem?”“I thought if I did that to you, I’d know what it was like and then I could use it to control Steve. Now I know I can’t even control myself.”I put the weight down.“Look,” I said. “It seems to me the answer to your problems is simple. Just don’t go out on dates and you won’t get horny and want to do things with Steve or any other guy.”She stared at me.“For such a genius, you sure are stupid.”“Tanya Clarke does it,” I said.“Tanya Clarke is a lesbian,” said my sister.“And you know this because?”“She doesn’t go out with guys,” said Hannah.“That doesn’t make her a lesbian,” I said. “It makes her a girl who doesn’t have your kind of problem because she’s smart enough to recognize that.
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