I began to fantasize, and for some reason those fantasies always seemed to centre around black movie stars—Denzel Washington, Will Smith, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Mekhi Phifer. Gradually, the fantasies developed into more of an obsession. It seemed that every time I used my vibe, it was to the thought of one of my black heroes pounding away inside me.For a while, of course, that's all it was. But as Bobby became more abusive, particularly after a night of heavy drinking, I found myself escaping by replacing the unattainable movie stars I fantasized about, with the black strangers I saw all around me in real life.My obsession grew to the point where in my mind, I practically undressed every black man I saw. I fantasized about them fucking me anywhere, anyplace, anytime. I guess part of it was that my husband didn't want me anymore; he liked to hit me, so my head told me I deserved to be taken and used like a slut.It became very complicated, a sort of mixture of the need to be punished mixed. That face. He was so handsome it made me ache to think about it. I wanted him from the moment I saw him - tall and dark with those beautiful green eyes and that defined jaw and those lips that made me tremble at the thought of kissing them – on that otherwise humdrum morning in the queue at the coffee shop. I saw him nearly every day after that, our early caffeine fix routines serendipitously synchronised, later discovering that he'd just moved to the area to start a new job, allowing our paths to cross. I often wondered what he was thinking about as we stood in line, what kind of work he did all day, in his smart suit and his tie, if he had a girlfriend or even a wife at home, despite his lack of a wedding ring. But mostly I wondered what it would be like to fuck him, breathe in his scent and taste his kiss. The word lust is inadequate to describe what I felt. I wanted him from somewhere deep in my bones. He always looked so remote and preoccupied, I don't think he really took much.
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