Cooking oatmeal and a biscuit, I pondered my next move. If I returned to camp, they would send me off on another mission. If I stayed in the field, drifted slowly south, I would be doing my duty, to follow the retreating rebs, all the while relaxing and trying to stay out of harms way. The thunder of the moving rebels was still audible, as well as the dust from the thousands of feet in motion, but I judged them to be at least ten miles ahead, I was sure my guys were right behind them, cattle after cattle, I was in no hurry to join them . My goal was to find a good hideout, so I could get twentyfour hours of rest, my arm was not right, my body needed real rest, a bed for fucks sake. It was beautiful country I was riding through, green and lush near the river, begging to be cultivated, yet this land was deserted. All the farms were smoldering ruins, the fields stripped, not a soul in site, not even a stray farm animal. There were plenty of dead bodies, rebels, civilians, cows, all. For the first time I started believing that Tina was really going to let me go. I admitted, also, that, to Tina, it would mean that I was going to be letting her and Sherry go too. This had happened to me before, and I knew this time would be much harder on me than all the other times had been. I knew I always had the option of backing down, of retreating from carrying out what I'd threatened doing.Friday came, and I was on edge all morning. By eleven thirty that morning, I was finding it extremely difficult to even breathe. The enormity of what I had put into motion was overwhelming me. I felt like I was being forced to detonate my whole life, to blow up myself, and everyone I loved, and for what? For a deadline that I'd set myself. I could just as easily have made it two weeks, or even two months.I was sitting in my great chair, looking deeply into my empty fireplace, struggling with myself about my commitment for following through with what I'd threatened. Time was running out for.
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