" he said, humor fading from his voice. "I... It does make me nervous. You're... You're really important to me." His eyes were wide and shadowed, as honest as I had ever seen them. "You're special to me. I don't know if I can ever show you just how much you mean to me."I just stared at him for a few moments, totally incredulous. "What happened to your confidence," I asked him. "You're always so... So out-there, so forward, so in-charge-of-everything. Christ, you make jokes when you don't even know the people around you! Who are you and what have you done with the real Derek!"Derek paled, and he sputtered for a few seconds."The real Derek," he said. "The real Derek. He's standing right here in front of you."I didn't get it."You talk about confidence." He gave a rueful laugh. "Confidence is a face on the water. That's my mask, that's how I keep people away from me. You want the real me? I have no confidence. I'm scared."That was such a startling thought that, really, I should've. We disposed of everything we couldn't carry with us andsaid goodby to our friends. We decided to use our new freedom to see someof this great country and become full timers. Along the way we took inCivil War battlefields and other interesting places. A month into ourjourney, I stopped to fill up with diesel fuel one afternoon. At the nextpump there was a well dressed black man filling his Mercedes. Hecomplimented me on having a good looking RV. I told him we were travelingaround the country and enjoying life. He told me he was also retired andhad a place a few miles from here. He told me his name was Lucas and I said, "Nice to meet you Lucas, I amTony." We shook hands.I asked him, "Are there any campgrounds near here?" Then I smiled andsaid, "It's getting close to happy hour and I have been driving all day."Just then Mary came back from paying for the fuel. I told her, "Honey,this is Lucas. Lucas this is my wife Mary."He took her hand and kissed it.She smiled and said, "It's so nice.
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