Believe that he’s there. Then there’s light and the shower is still running. I leave it on even though the water bill is too high to pay. I like the sound of the water rushing over me. Let the water pour. Clean and hot and desensitizing, destroying prints and calluses, burning away bacteria, boiling needles to the surface of my skin. Mindless, hopeless activity. I sit in the shower without forgiven and need and lust and longing. The scars will never vanish. Never fade completely. But remind me of the torture of trust, the fool who gives over. The emptiness that follows desire. All of it written in stitches across the scars and curves of fingerprints from homemade thread and sewn with the needles that were thrown at me. I say you must move on because the only way to live is for yourself. But the mirror doesn’t believe me. It remembers how he said he’d die for me and believes that there is another way. Still, it knows that he read my hands and prints and strategically placed the. He reminded me that I was going to pay for it, making me more complacent. I had learned a lot during my week of training but this... this was too much. I couldn't just obey. I knew why they were doing it though. They were smart ones alright. This would probably break me down more effectively than three months of training would have provided me. Frank strapped me to the table in a vertical position. He went and got the ring gag out that I had been more formally introduced to during that week. He secured it to my head and turned on the bright light that hung over the table. I could hear Ed giving the grand tour of the house and from the sounds of it, they were getting closer. I was getting a bad breathing pattern again. Frank pinched my nostrils and clamped his hand over my mouth. I didn't want to hyper-ventilate but it was starting to happen anyway. The only other time it happened in my life was when my parents almost caught me in a compromising position with a.
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