What if I was taller? Thinner? Smarter? Prettier? Had less blemished skin? What if I was Swedish? Older? Had brown eyes and a silky laugh? What if I had more in common with Shawn, like cars and computers? What if I was the kind of person who could keep a boyfriend? “Esme?” I looked up to find Shawn staring at me. I had drifted off into my delusion. Christ. “Are you okay?” “Oh, sure. Peachy,” I drawled, could I be any less convincing? Well, I thought, it’s not like he doesn’t know why I’m upset. “I think you should go.” I could feel the sudden urge to wail, and sob mercilessly, and I wanted Shawn out before that dam burst. No need for him to see me carry on, it’d just give him a bad dose of useless guilt. “Are you going to be all right, Esme?” he asked quietly, somehow guessing how fragile I felt. He wrapped his arms around me, and in that cocoon of warmth I wept tears as large as my heart. I cried because of how lost and alone I was with Shawn as my lover. But I also wept with the. I suddenly come to the surface, and gasp for breath, but then another wave pulls me under. Again I am totally disorientated and struggling to get air. I feel myself being dragged along the sea bed, and realise that my bikini panties are being pulled down by the motion. I reach down to try to grab them, but it’s too late and the panties disappear into the deep darkness of the surf. I am suddenly thrust up to the surface, and manage to gulp a mouthful of air. I can see the beach is even further away, and I am being pulled towards rocks at the bottom of a cliff. Then another wave crashes over me, hurling me towards the rocks. Again I am dragged under, and pulled along the sea bed, where rocks now scrape against my body. I feel my bikini top get caught on something, and I can’t get free. I struggle to get loose, weak and suffocating under the waves. I try again to swim to the surface, but my bikini top is tangled on something, trapping me against the rocks. Desperate, I wriggle myself.
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