I got the mix and a bowl out of the cupboard, and then realized I wasagain doing something for the first time that most people take forgranted. I smiled with gratitude as I prepared the pancakes.I had just finished making the mix when my parents came into thekitchen. I held out the bowl of batter and said, "Here. You both mightneed to re-fuel after having so much ... exercise last night."My parents both blushed, although I think my dad blushed harder.Then he grabbed the bowl, and said, "Here. Let me cook the pancakeswhile you set the table."I thought about complaining that I was practically an adult and morethan capable of making pancakes, but then I realized that he was usedto having to do just about everything for me, and so I cut him a breakand let go of the bowl, saying "Only if you make a couple of funnyshaped ones."He smiled, and I was sure he was remembering the same thing I was, ofwhen I was a kid, and him making all kinds of silly shaped pancakes tomake me giggle. He had. I find myself refusing any advances of romance or love. Despising them, even. I have noticed myself becoming hateful and bitter. I hate that I was not good enough to deserve his love and have found myself sitting and wondering what was wrong with me. He has turned me into a person that I am not and I can slowly feel more and more of myself slipping away. Still, I pathetically dream of him and the life I so desperately wish to live with him and only him. I think of a life full of unconditional love and happiness. I wish to come home to a house full of our memories together, the hardships we overcame to be together and all the delights that followed. I dream of Christmas mornings and hearing our children run into the living room to see if Santa had come. I dream of a daughter and a son playing outside with him, chasing them through the garden and playing hide and seek. I long to lay on his chest at the end of the day just to hear his heart beating and find that the rhythm of my own.
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