Eventually, the pain receded enough for me to regain some semblance of rational thought. At first, I felt relief, but then I recoiled. Rational thought was the hallmark of that other version of me. I felt caught in a trap. If I tried to think rationally about how to begin to repair the damage I’d done to the girls and to the Steadmans, I was essentially thinking about how to best manipulate them to stay loyal – exactly like he would. The alternative, though, was pain. It was just pain, with no plan for how to ever make it stop.“Finished feeling sorry for yourself?” I looked up to see Dean, sitting on the stairs, watching me. I had no idea how long he had been there. His face was grim. I released Terra with a final pat on her shoulder. She huffed gently into my face but otherwise didn’t move. I sat back on my haunches, finally noticing some physical pain - in my knees, from the hard floor. I looked up at him.“Many times, in the Corps, we had to make hard decisions,” he said. “We had. About forty or fifty yards from the fence, I spotted a place where the stubble looked as if it had been trodden down. I knelt down and looked at a shoe print in the dirt and saw it had the same tread as my sneakers, but as far as I could tell, there were impressions from only one pair of shoes. I couldn’t pick out any little Imp footprints. When I pointed it out to Sherry, she got all excited about it.“See,” she said, “I knew you weren’t making it up!”“All this proves is that I was here. There’s no sign of the little woman.”“Well that’s no surprise, is it? She told you she didn’t have any real substance didn’t she? So how could she leave foot prints?”“Yeah, but if she was all air, how could I have felt her touching me? There had to be something physical about her.”She ignored that point, obviously putting her efforts into convincing me (or herself) that my story was true. She wanted to believe it. Maybe she needed to believe it to justify what we’d been doing with each other.I stood.
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