-Phyllis DillerMost children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.-Phyllis DillerAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.-Phyllis DillerWe spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.-Phyllis DillerBurt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.-Phyllis DillerWhat I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.-Phyllis DillerThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.-Phyllis DillerHis finest hour lasted a minute and a half.-Phyllis DillerOld age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.-Phyllis DillerMy photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.-Phyllis DillerI admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.-Phyllis DillerTranquillizers work only. So very close.She spread her legs wider. Oh, yes. She was ready for him. She’d said in her email “If you’re not home at seven, I’m calling our new neighbor with the big muscles and asking him to fill in for you. I’ve always fancied having a bald-headed man with tattoos licking me between my thighs. Don’t be late.“ Her husband would enjoy her tease. She knew him so well. She reached into the chocolates and held one up to her lips just as the door to the bedroom opened. “Just in time. I thought you might be. Remember, no talking.” She smiled, took a sip of wine, bit into the chocolate, and let the flavors meld in her mouth. She allowed him to savor the visuals: her dress hiked up to her waist, her shaved glory fully exposed to him, her goblet of red wine, her bared breasts and nipples, and her piece of chocolate touching her full red lips. She knew how to whet her husband’s appetite. He stood for several moments taking it all in. These moments were rare in real life. It would be stupid.
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