We cried into each other's shoulders and rocked each other for comfort. After a time, I got up and fixed us a drink, whiskey on the rocks, just as I know my dad would have done following bad news. We talked quietly about the whole thing and had some more drinks. It was well into the night when we each decided to get to bed.I never even changed out of my trunks and t-shirt. I just sat on the edge of my bed in shock. Thoughts swirled in my drunken head, thoughts of self-pity, regret, and sorrow for my now widowed mother. She was still so young and beautiful, her marriage ending abruptly in less than 17 years. I don't know how late into the night it was when I heard my mother stirring. I wasn't sure if she had called for me or not, but when I pushed her bedroom door open I saw her crying softly in bed. I brought her a glass of water and she thankfully sipped it.When I went to leave her she said, "No, don't. I don't want to be alone tonight." She rolled onto her side and I held her from. Stop.”Col appeared beside me, grabbing my hands.“No – leave me alone.” For a moment we struggled, but my emotions surged up and I collapsed in tears, huddled on the bed of needles. I have no idea how long I lay there as the storm of emotion tore through me and receded. Eventually, I felt a hand softly stroking my hair and stirred, sitting up.Col saw me glance at the knife, still in his hand and he quickly put it behind him.“What is going on, Willi?”I closed my eyes, my breath coming in gasps “I can’t go through this again. I can’t do it alone.”“Willi, you are not alone.” He grasped my hand. “I care for you, Mutti cares for you – your mother cares for you. You are not alone.” With each statement, he squeezed my hand in emphasis.“But you are leaving me for Lili,” I said softly. “And if you go, so will Mutti Frida, and my mother is not enough.” Tears started down my cheeks, loosed by the ineffable sadness suffusing me.I saw Col stiffen. “You were going to ... to kill yourself, weren’t.
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