And he knows it. He has, in both words spoken and not, pointed out to me all the things I have allowed to creep back into my way of life since his departure. I have both cringed at wept at the girl I have presented to him now after our countless hours together. I have allowed myself to get swept away by those I have surrounded myself instead of holding true to all that he taught me. My shame is great. He says that he does not hold me responsible for the changes he has noticed and I am sure there will be more that become apparent to his unwavering gaze. He knows me like no other and the more time I spend with him, the more I reveal, without even knowing, of how I have let myself go once he was gone. I feel so much shame but yet still find hope in the time he allows me to be at his feet. In one sentence he can have me trembling in fear that I will never be allowed in the comfort of his steel again but hopeful that he might give me a chance. I think he relishes the power he has over me,. ”“She’s Vicki’s mom, baby,” I said. “We need to keep her in her daughter’s life.”“Yeah,” he replied. “But she needs to SEE what is “normal” around here -- it’s beyond what most people can imagine, and certainly beyond what she can imagine. If she doesn’t see it and live it for a couple of days, she’ll never understand. What’s happened here is simply fear of the unknown on her part.”“I hadn’t thought it all out like that, Tim, but you’re right.”And now it’s Friday afternoon, late. And me and Vicki are “being twins” today -- khaki shorts and sloppy Auburn T-shirts. ‘Carefully, delightfully disheveled’, Tim calls it. We’re standing here at the arrival gate, and Karen walked thru the door.Vicki squealed “Mom!” and ran to her, hugging her. I’m right behind her, and she sees me, extending her hand. I push her hand aside and hug her, feeling her stiffen. “Hi, Karen. I’m Kim, and we’re happy you’re here. Don’t know whether to call you an in-law or an out-law, but you’re family here, and we’re.
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