He keeps talking about how wrong it is for him to live off me, and how he wants to help, and he hates it when I keep telling him he has to study and learn instead.After dinner he was at it again, the same thing, and I let it get to me. The idea of his being nothing but a manual laborer, which is all he could possibly handle now, just sickens me. The most brilliant man I’ve ever met consigned to schlepping garbage or sweeping out office buildings for a living? I can’t stand the thought.So after he went on for a couple of minutes I sort of snapped. “Dammit, Hugo, I keep telling you not yet!” I hollered at him. “It’s too soon, you’re not ready, take the fucking time to learn all the things you need to get along in the world!”He looked at me sort of shocked, it was the first time I’ve ever raised my voice to him. And I was ashamed of myself right away, it’s not his fault. “I’m sorry, Hugo,” I said immediately. “I shouldn’t yell at you. But don’t keep worrying about this. There’ll be. “But it is not a ball, poppet, merely a small party with some friends of your father’s.” She cups the girl’s pink cheek in her hand. “It won’t be any fun for you, I promise. Even I’ve no wish to go.”“Well, of course you don’t want to go,” John speaks up, “you’re just a governess.”She stares at the boy with no small amount of shock. And, she admits to herself, hurt. These children are her world, and the idea that they see her as lesser is painful indeed.John sees the hurt there, cheeks warming as he glances from his book to Anna’s eyes then back again, unsure of what to do.“That was rude,” Mary is quick to admonish.John’s book falls from his lap as he sits up straighter to defend himself. “It’s true! Isn’t it, Anna? You only work for father. You’re not his friend.”Rude as it may have been, it is true, she knows. She is only staff, not family, and lowly born at that. But more than that, she knows how much John truly cares for her, how well he thinks of her. She’s certain he meant no.
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