Lilly was an excellent hiker and never seemed to get tired. Karen and Darcy seemed to enjoy it, but they weren't amazed at the beauty like Lilly, and I were. John was the leader of the pack and he enjoyed planning the trips and was comfortable sleeping in a tent and cooking over an open fire. It was wonderful how we learned from each other as we took pictures in different locations.1987We made it back to Vegas in time to celebrate New Year's at a big party at Bally's. Although we had fun, many of the people were shit-faced drunk, and I had to slow Darcy down from taking advantage of them. She'd already had three girls up to the room and back before the ball dropped. That was New York time. We still had three hours before our clock would chime twelve. She finally slowed down, and Karen seemed relieved. Darcy took Karen up to the room for a while, and they were back in time to sip champagne, and give out kisses. Lilly and I enjoyed the spectacle, and except for receiving a quick blowjob. She began turning the pages, focusing on the paintings of his famous model, Marie-Thérèse Walter, the mother of one of his children. "Look at these," Rita said. "They don't look like her but they look..." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "They look like he loved her."I opened my eyes. I'd collapsed in bed after Rita left and just thought about what I'd painted until I was so exhausted from my own confusion that I fell asleep. I could see it. I knew what I'd done. I'd simply used Rita as a placeholder as I attempted to paint Allison again. And I hadn't done a particularly good job of it. My original painting had been free. The new one was deliberate and controlled—an inappropriate theme superimposed on an incompatible subject. None of what I'd captured in the earlier painting was present in the second. It was mechanical, not passionate. It showed flames, but it was cold. That fleeting grasp of something that was truly a breakthrough in my art now looked like an unhappy accident that.
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