He had gone to therapy to identify a source in hispast with the intention of rooting it out, but every apparent dawn ofknowledge and understanding proved false. Every destination turning outto be just another curve in the road.No, he reasoned, he had tried with real love to live a full life withHarriet. He had tried hard and genuinely, but it had just not beenpossible. He had lied to her, but maybe, by denying his true self, he hadlied to himself even more. It would be too cruel to reveal all to her,but continuing to live as he was would be unfair to both of them.It was a true tragedy, William convinced himself, but this was for thebest. His feelings for Harriet were true and real, just not as true andreal as his desire to be a woman. He had no reason to feel ashamed of hisintegral desires he resolutely told himself, and no reason to discountthe love expressed in the life he had lived with Harriet. Even now whenthe scale was decisively tipped, he could still honour both. Even. “What's your name, my darling?” He asks. “Eva.” “Are you having a nice evening?” There's a gently soothing quality about him and when I feel my tiredness deepen it's impossible to stifle my yawn. I laugh, embarrassed. “It's lovely so far, I'm just terribly tired.” He pulls a sympathetic face and takes a drag of his cigarette. I look into the doorway and see Beth stood in the kitchen, chatting to a man. She's so involved in the conversation that she can't see the people around her watching the two of them, groups of people with hungry eyes moving towards her. I move my head slowly and cast my gaze around the garden. Another woman has joined us at the table, and she watches me with a cold stare, while the people closest to me quickly avert their eyes when I see them watching me. The Indian man leans over the table. “Would you like to go somewhere quieter?” I feel exposed and very alone. I turn to see Beth, but when I look into the kitchen she's nowhere in sight. “I need to find my.
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