"What am I doing? I'm losing myself in this. I can'tenjoy this. I need to keep my head or there's no way I'm going to makeit out of this. I want to be a guy again."I sat there and wondered about everything that had happened. I thoughtabout Libby and how, even though she knows she's going to die soon, sheis as happy as she's ever been. I tried to tell myself that what I wasdoing was normal and that I'm just reacting to my body. I just had themost amazing experience I'd ever had but I just couldn't face being agirl forever. "Damn it Nikki! You need to get your shit together or you won't have toworry about it for long!" I told myself out loud. "Now get your ass outof bed and get ready for this shit again."The table was laid out with our breakfast as I slowly sat down. Haywardwas there as well as Ellie. Luckily there was no sign of that assholeRussell. I grabbed a roll and slowly spread some honey butter on it whenEllie started to tell some story about how the Capitol is. She sat down and looked up at me expectantly. For a second I froze. The I figured out what needed to be said first."Listen, I need you to swear to absolute secrecy about this," I said and she leaned forward and bit her lower lip. She looked so sexy and I was concerned as I could tell I was about to get an erection. This was absolutely crazy. Was I sexually attracted to women now?"Sure," she said."This isn't like the normal sort of 'don't tell anyone' where I sort of hope or expect you will tell someone I mean this has to go to your grave or I will probably end up killing myself. And that isn't a joke," I explained in the most serious tone I could muster. She nodded her head solemnly."I swear to God, Mina. Whatever happens here in the green room will be between us until the day I die," she said with equal gravity. I looked into her eyes and I could see she was telling the truth. She wasn't taking this lightly. "Okay. Please don't like...laugh or scream or run out of the room or.
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