Alone. “Hold on.”Court motioned Shawn over and whispered into his ear. “Shawn will be happy to escort you to the concert,” Courtney said, although from the look on Shawn’s face I wasn’t sure it was true. He grabbed my hand and began to lead me through the crowd. I glanced back and looked at Court who gave me a wink and then laughed. Shawn and I walked a short distance to the concert which had already begun. The shots were hitting me just right and I was more than buzzed. I danced to the music, letting my body move to the rhythm while my hands waved in the air. Shawn just watched, seemingly protective. I tried to pull him over to dance with me, but he declined. Frustrated, I whispered to him I was using the restroom and would be back shortly.After using the restroom, I returned to the spot we had previously been but Shawn was nowhere to be found. I walked around a bit but was unable to find him. He had left me here, all alone. “Fuck it,” I thought to myself, “I’ll have fun. ’ How could she be sorry for doing nothing? I sobbed again, one of those sobs that rack you like a child’s sobs do with dry eyes. My head fell forward and then tears fell onto the pale blue of my dress. Why does water show so clearly on pale blue? I half pulled myself together and took another cigarette from Tippi’s pack and lit it. I waited for her to tell me off for smoking – I only stopped because she’d told me to, had begged me to. She didn’t. Instead she sat beside me and looked out over the view but I knew she wasn’t seeing it any more than I was. Her voice was low and calm. ‘Of course I knew. If I had ever, ever had a woman lover it would have been you. I even thought about it, like you think about things that you know you simply can't do. I knew you wanted me. But you never made a move because you knew too that I couldn’t and that it would have hurt us both too much.’ She was right. ‘I knew you’d always be my closest friend because you love me and I love you. But we both knew.
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