Or at least that’s what everybody has called me from before I can remember.“We will wait to get acquainted until we get out of the bumpy twisty parking lot. I’m sorry I was late. I often do this tour but today I was supposed to get the day off. I must have gotten the word about the time you were waiting to disembark.“Let’s start getting acquainted on the right from the front of the bus. Please stand carefully and say your name, say where you are from, and a few words about yourself.”When they were done, “I would like to introduce my sister, Fran, who is sitting in the back.” She stood and waved at everybody. “Fran and I are Island natives. Please help us keep our ocean and island home clean. Use the trash barrels for the remains of your lunch or those who live near the beach will complain and no more nude beach tours.“And now the reason I was supposed to have the day off. Rick, please stand. He’s a lucky guy because Fran and I share him as a boyfriend. But he unlucky because he is. And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.We’d never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,And babies might be bottle-fed, but they were not grown in jars.And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and ‘gay’ meant fancy-free,And dorms were never co-Ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.We hadn’t seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.And hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.T-Birds came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal teaOr prime-time ads for those dysfunctions in the Land That Made Me, Me.There were.
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