The association between Pavlov’s dog, the tuning fork and food proved a more perverse aspect of the psyche – cruel anticipation of the little chime. Even more perverse since your chime only means fresh pain, which, by this time, is not even half-reward for the almost broken creature at your whim. Your voice brings constant fear, fresh tears and a primal, stupid lust. The only real marker of reality, the last vestige of the mind’s connection to the body of the creature, now almost abjectly object, animal, property is in her movement. There is no part of my body that is not physically, palpably hurting, aching dully or stinging with pain without reprieve. The endorphins have long worn off – a frustrating paradox. What is now pain that I want direly to escape was precisely what was integral in bringing about the incredible rush that I had craved all my life in the first place. Such sadistic pain giving such perverse pleasure, and now, even feeling the full extent of hurt and no. It was that of ayoung girl in a red wedding sari embroidered with golden thread, her faceperfectly made up, her hair also covered up with the sari like a newly wedbride. Gold jewelry encasing her neck, her hand which is covered withgolden bangles and intricate artwork with temporary tattoo on her hands,remembering last night all the efforts that my mother and sister put onme."Is this a face of a man or a girl?"I knew she was right, my mother and sister has succeeded in making me intolooking like a girl a quite attractive one at that. I understood theleering look of the Man on me now. I shuddered at the thought that a manfound me attractive and that I have painstakingly gone through the lastcouple of hours to look attractive for him."Remember what I told you last night," my mother whispered to my ears.Yes I did remember, the sordid details of what a man expects from a wifeon their wedding night. What he likes to hear, how I am supposed tobehave. And yes the pain that I would feel, but.
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