The memories I have of finding Papa all by myself, those memories are true. And, that was when Lilith first spoke to me. She stroked my hair and sang to me. She told me that she would protect me, keep me safe. She promised that no one would ever be able to hurt me again. She kept that promise, Erik. The only thing that she neglected to tell me was that in order that no one hurt me again, no one would ever love me again. That was the trade. I could not allow anyone to become close to me. I remember when Madame would try to hold me and comfort me, but I would not allow it. I would allow Lilith to step into me and take over. She told me that she needed to do things to make certain that people would not be able to hurt me."At first, she spoke to me, but all too soon, she simply took over and I no longer remembered when she was in control. Part of me knew that I did not remember things like other people. That sometimes I would be lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and then, in the blink. There is Karl, of course. I see him every now and then. That's someone Iknew from before I changed. Caroline was short, dumpy and unattractive,but a genuinely sweet person inside. She's gone the opposite route fromme. Mm, Karl is deliciously strong and well set, but he's a realsweetie, not at all macho. Whenever we see each other we hit it off.Trouble is that's not all that often."The intelligent art of me is thinking that I've got almost enoughmaterial now, while the macho jerk part of me is thinking about thosebondage photos. I try to suppress that part of me, at least until later.Later, when I can masturbate before I revert back to my male body."Ms St Clair, thank you for sharing these thoughts with me. Now I'dbetter let you get back to waitressing."I go to stand up. "Oh, one last thing. Have you found anything thatsurprised you, anything that you didn't expect before your change?"A faraway look comes into her eyes. "Not until recently. But recentlyI've had the feeling, been.
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