One day, north of Aden,He got his hard rod in,And came clear up Suez Canal.There was a gay dog from OntarioWho fancied himself a Lothario.At a wench’s glanceHe’d snatch off his pantsAnd make for her Mons Venerio.There was a young man of OstendWho let a girl play with his end.She took hold of Rover,And felt it all over,And it did what she didn’t intend.There was a young man of OstendWhose wife caught him fucking her friend.“It’s no use, my duck,Interrupting our fuck,For I’m damned if I draw till I spend.”There was a young fellow from ParmaWho was solemnly screwing his charmer.Said the damsel, demure,“You’ll excuse me, I’m sure,But I must say you fuck like a farmer.”A newly wed man of PeruFound himself in a terrible stew:His wife was in bedMuch deader than dead,And so he had no one to screw.There was a young girl of PitlochryWho was had by a man in a rockery.Sh said, “Oh! You’ve comeAll over my bum;This isn’t a fuck it’s a mockery.”There was a young lady from PrenticeWho had an affair. "Really, thegentlemen didn't wear boots to the ball? They had dancing slippers?" Shegave me a light kiss on the cheek. "Ready to enter Jane Austen hell?"A butler met us at the door and escorted us inside. It was like being onthe set of Downton Abbey. I could hear live music coming from theballroom ahead. It sounded like La Boulang?re. A hum of conversationcompeted with the music like a buzzing of bees over the sighing of thewind.The butler halted at the entrance to the ballroom. "Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcyand Miss Elizabeth Bennet," he announced in a loud voice. Theconversation dropped a few decibels and was replaced with whispers andstares. Just another opportunity for me to blush. Hopefully the rouge Iwas wearing afforded some camouflage.Natasha took me by the arm and led me into the melee. She introduced meto a couple playing William Collins and Charlotte Lucas. Collins was apompous windbag in Pride and Prejudice, and she was no different inperson. Had someone tried to match.
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