’ I smile, attempting to distance myself from the word. ‘I don’t enjoy hearing the word used, even by fellow black people, or the way black stand-up comedians like Chris Rock and Eddie Murphy use it so liberally for laughs, but in a class discussion like this, the word takes on a different context. One where the word distances itself from the negative connotations it has historically symbolized.’ I noticed an odd smile cross her face, one that I could not read. My answer seems again to lighten the tension in the room and the conversation opens. For the remainder of the period, the discussion goes on with a few more students responding and one more actually using the word. Most continue to call it the ‘N’ word and even then, they look down, avoiding eye contact with me when they imply the taboo word. The conversation evolved into clothing and fashion and I pointed out, ‘There are two polar opposites of appearance and the impact it has on black image. For one, I dress a certain way to. Marched out of the house, got in my car, drove away.(We were at Todd’s mom’s house, before you ask, and she wasn’t there. Busy kinda lady.)But I didn’t have anywhere to go, either. My folks had kicked me out when me and Todd got engaged. They’d figured I’d come crawling back to them, I guess, but there we were, a year and a half later, still not speaking.I could have gone back.That’s important to understand.I could have. My mother and father would have made me repent, break off the engagement, live a good Christian life, be a good Christian wife.Berry would have died inside me, unborn.Or I could have just… driven round, cooled off, gone back, been honest with Todd. I don’t know where that would have brought us. Probably not here.But I didn’t do either of those things.No.I drove, and drove, away from the small town we lived in, until I got to the city. I parked my car. I watched the sun set, sitting there, not angry any more, just… just picturing the laptop, and the women on it being.
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