’ Nick turned his face away, setting his jaw. ‘I… I’m sorry..’ Kayla was at a loss. ‘Don’t.’ Nick spoke the word harshly. ‘Nick.. I cant imagine how you’ve felt, what you’ve gone through since I left. But I need you to know that I felt awful. No, it was worse than awful. I was alone, miserable, and I missed you so much it hurt. I can’t tell you how many times I picked up the phone and almost called, or how many time I almost came back with nothing to offer other than my heart. But we were so young, I was afraid we’d be getting married because that was ‘naturally’ the next step. I didn’t want it to be like that.’ Kayla paused, looking up at Nick. His gaze was still averted. She reached out and cupped his jaw, tipping his head up so she could meet his eyes. ‘I’ve dated, as I’m sure you have, but none of them meant half as much to me as you did. I have to admit, my coming back here was to prove to myself, to you, and to everyone else that we belonged together. I just didn’t want it to. I smoked a lot of dope, swallowed a lot of pills, sniffed too much coke and poppers, and when I got sick of the strangers, I masturbated in hopeless solitude. Despair bit me hard, and as a last resort I reverted to old hobbies. I took up running, swimming, exercising in a health club gym, pushing my body until the natural endorphins lifted my mood, which had worked at school and in early university days, before the counter-culture lured me from straight behaviour, but it was all just a small elastoplast on a gaping wound.One day in October, Ben, a guitarist I had slept with a few times at Ed's parties and had become quite good friends with, came round for a chat. I hadn't seen him for a while. I was glad to have to company, so we did some drugs, talked about the parties, and had a laugh. I sucked his cock in gratitude, and for old times' sake. Afterwards he offered me a hit of morphine. A while later, he offered me another..."Margaret ... I need you, please." My voice was wobbling.
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