I keep seeing someone sitting in a growing pool of blood, with hislife slowly ebbing away. All he had to do was get out of the bath anddial 999 and he would have still been here. His pain must have beenhorrendous to put himself through what he did." Do you want to kill yourself?"My heartbeat quickened. Oh how I used to think about killing myself.How I used to plan every aspect of how I would be found hanging from atree in my main tormentors back garden. But those feeling were gone. Inow had feelings of love, hope and joy."No. I don't want to kill myself. I was shocked what my Mum said,especially the bit about her accepting me if I did want to be a girl." Have you ever wanted to kill yourself?"Why did she have to ask that question? Should I tell her the truth, ordeny like mad. If I deny and she finds out the truth then all trust islost. However, is she likely to find out? But Helen's here and I don'twant her to hear a lie."Yes, but not anymore." Why did you want to kill. I do not want to be dangling anything for you or for me.I recall we were crawling from one spot to another. Watching the fish swimming in the pond. My buddy, Mark, comes to my mind, stood to go look for a piece of wood so we could 'go fishing'.No sooner than he was on his feet there was a scream from about 100 feet away."Hey you kids! What are you doing on my property?!"That he was carrying a shotgun in his hands was not lost on either of us!We made a mad dash for the fence. I recall getting through and glancing back. He was still coming and looked like he would just crash on through his gate.I'm shaking as I write this memory down. I can feel the terror and adrenaline of trying to get away from this crazy man.We dashed into another friend's garage. We both knew the family. We knew we had to get away.They were eating a meal. All sitting around their table. We apologized for dashing through on our way to their back door.We were 10 years old. So much for clean getaways and anonymous.
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